Week 4: The Other Side of Fear

Dear you,

How can people just decide to leave home? I used to ask myself that all the time. They’d go willingly, smiling and confident, like it was no big deal. So fearless.

But now, being here in Colombia, I’ve realized: fearlessness isn’t real. It’s a myth. No one is actually fearless; they just do it anyway. Even if they’re scared shitless.

I would never describe myself as brave. I’m scared of virtually everything. But I’m becoming the kind of person who jumps, even while trembling. I have to. Because success and growth, all the things we chase in life, live on the other side of fear. And I can’t stay on the same step of the staircase forever.

This week was hard. I felt sad. I missed my family, my friends, my home. I missed my dog, Bubbles. Seeing Snapchats of them and catching up over messages, it all feels bittersweet. I’m proud of myself for doing this. Moving to a different continent. Travelling alone for the first time. But at the same time, it feels like I’m missing out on my own life.

Since I’ve been here, I’ve missed one of my best friends’ weddings. The birth of my nephew. Big misses, I know. On the smaller side, we have a Weeknd concert, Stampede, Halloween, a handful of birthdays, including my dogs birthday (which should be on the big list!). I know I’m privileged that the things I’m missing are joyful ones. But missing these milestones has shown me just how much I truly love the life I’ve built back home.

Lately, I’ve been more agitated. On my days off from my internship, I’ve felt too tired to go out and explore. I feel guilty for not “doing more,” but I’m reminding myself: I have six months. The first month is for adjusting. For breathing. For noticing the small and the strange. For letting myself feel everything. For living in this weird in-between.

Here in Cali, there’s only cold water for showers because the heat makes hot water unnecessary. Sure, it’s great for Wim Hof breathing and cold exposure. But sometimes, I just want a warm shower. I miss my mom’s cooking. I miss being able to find the ingredients I need without hunting them down.

The other day, I bought Doritos, just something familiar. But even the Doritos were different: thinner, and the flavour was slightly off. It was such a small thing, but it pushed me over the edge. Everything is different.

This year, my resolution was to shift into a more positive mindset. And honestly? It’s changed my life. Your mind creates the reality you feed it. If you show it only negativity, the world feels heavier. But if you train it to notice the light, to find meaning, your whole experience transforms.

It’s not easy. I still mess up. I mean, I broke down over a chip. But I’m learning to catch myself. To notice when I slip. Because the brain doesn’t know the difference between thought and reality. What you feed it matters.

So I’m feeding it love. And courage. And presence. Even when it’s hard. Especially then. Love yourself and fill yourself with positivity. You’re the only friend you need.

I’ve realized how much I truly love my life back home and every person in it. Even the ones that evoke the eye roll. Because once you’re away, the annoyances fade. What’s left is love. Being here in Colombia means I’ve jumped to the other side of fear. And yes, some days it sucks and I question my choice of jumping. But this week, I climbed one step higher on the staircase of becoming. And that, I’ve learned, is still a win.

Even though this week was tough, I’ve been filled with so much gratitude, it’s almost overwhelming. There is light and dark everywhere: in every city, every season, every home. You cannot see in the dark without light. And you wouldn’t know light without the dark.

From,

Cali, Colombia