October: The Weight of October

2–3 minutes

Dear you,

This month has been a lot.

I’ve been feeling… off. Unmotivated. Lazy. Those feelings come and go for everyone, but this time they lingered. It started to feel heavier than usual, and I wondered if maybe I was a little depressed. October is such an important month back home, and being away from it all felt louder than I expected.

October back home is something I look forward to all year. It’s filled with birthdays of people I love and family traditions that ground me. This month, that deep feeling of wanting to go home shifted from a want to a need.

When you enter a space that feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable, you’re left with two options: adapt or leave. This month, I felt the pull to leave. I forgot all the work I’ve done to adapt, all the growth I’ve already gone through. It felt like I was at rock bottom, when I obviously was not, looking back on the month. I don’t know why this happens, but it happens to all of us at some point, I think.

Negative thoughts started looping in my head. I went back and forth with them, almost validating them, which is unlike me now. I used to think that way often, but as I’ve grown, I’ve made positive thinking a habit, one I try hard to protect. This month in the in-between has tested that habit.

October brought up feelings I haven’t felt in years. Loneliness. A sense of not belonging. Thoughts that most of us experience at some point, even as we work every day to move past them.

There were bright moments too. I went to the Shakira concert, something I never imagined I’d experience in Colombia. It was fun, surreal, and unforgettable. But even there, my mind wandered to the people I missed, the ones I wished were standing beside me. It reminded me how much we need the people who make us feel fulfilled. I called some people after that, bless the telephone.

I realized I needed to find a way to feel that fulfillment on my own, to enjoy a moment by myself or with new people, without longing for what wasn’t there.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved the people I went with. But there’s a deep sense of familiarity that comes with your people back home, and that feeling was something I needed to sit with… and slowly learn to loosen my grip on.

In moments, weeks, or even months like this, it is important to remember all the growth that was achieved before these feelings arise. It is important to stay grounded and pull yourself back up from these phases of life because you are your biggest support system. Everyone else in that support system plays a crucial role, but you are the foundation.

From,

Cali